I have been celibate for close to 10 years now. I just haven't thought about sex for that long. I think it's the antidepressant and other psych meds that I take. I've been dead from the waist down for so long that I'm surprised I can walk.Lately I've noticed some stirrings, some attractive men, men who I wish I was 20 years younger to attract. This is distressing because any of the men who might be attracted to me are men I would never be with. They are grey or fat or disturbed. There are no intellectual grounds where we might meet.
A few years ago I had a "friend" who wanted me. He was in his late 60's and in a wheelchair. He tried to kiss me and when I pulled away he basically said there must be something wrong with me. Y-e-a-h, you were not sexually attractive.
So, the stirrings arrived like an Xmas gift in January. Followed by disturbing dreams where what I want is possible. I am in my mid-20's and beautiful again. I can have anyone and there they are. The man I passed on the street that I thought lovely. Or the guy I wanted to do nasty things to because of the look on his face. He looked like he'd like it rough. Then the sun rises, and I'm back in my 50's body, obese and with no gut-wrenching options. Could it be that my psyche is attempting a comeback?
In dealing with men in my 20-30's, I seduced them. I took the power and had sex with them, then tossed them before they tossed me. I wasn't going to sit around and hope the phone would ring. And yet, I still waited for the phone to ring. And it didn't, because I didn't play the game the way men wanted it done. I was the mouse, turning the tables on the cat. It got me a lot of exciting sexual conquests, but that's all it was, just conquests -- no trophy, no forever after.
A friend from high school that I recently reunited with was surprised I never married, she asked "how do you do that, not get married? I don't understand," and I guess that is how. Taking the power away from the man, who needs to choose, who needs to decide "I want her forever." Or in today's standards, a few years.
And so, I stand alone. I am in charge of my fate, it is not intertwined with some other person's ideals of what wife and mother look like. I never did a man's laundry, never cleaned the house for him. I was not going to be some man's servant, taking his menu for dinner. I will not end up like my mother, thank you.
I never compromised. And this is where I failed. Now the options have dried up and I'm like that man in the wheelchair, and only thinking sex is for the attractive. But sex is sloppy and ugly, we are primitive, grunting, beasts, not thinking about producing an heir but getting our nut. I don't want to be that vulnerable, I don't want to be dependant upon anyone else, even for pleasure. I don't want to be that undignified. But I kinda want sex.
