I'm the One Who Changed

This Dream

Why can't I just wake up from this dream, back in time, back into my twenties. I would do so many things differently.

I would never have stopped having sex. I would never have stopped working. I would not have let go of old friends so easily. I would have loved harder, laughed longer, lived more wisely.

I would have saved money, even a dollar a week. I would have flossed every day. I would have married, maybe had a kid, a family. I would have started something and stuck with it.

I wouldn't have spent my college years high on pot, 24/7. I wouldn't have been drunk every evening. I wouldn't have slept with every man who said I was beautiful.

All I can do about the past is remember it differently. That's the only spin I can put on it. Today is the day I can be effective.

And so I awake...into today.

Pictures of Me

I like this photo. I know there are spots all over it, but I still think it's a good photo of me.

I don't have many photos of me through my ages. Recently there are volumes, but that wasn't always true.

I would experience new things without a camera. I would go on vacations without a camera.

I would have much rather had photos of me at 21 or 35 or even 42, and maybe one or two exist, but for the most part nothing. As a child there were many but I want to see myself in my glory days, my 20-30s.

Sometimes I feel like an old hag, fat and gross. I want to remember that I was young and beautiful. I wasted that beauty on brownies and pie and of course time.

Although the years are still gone... I am reclaiming that beauty.

Yesterday

Not on her Trikke

I am going to admit a deep shame. I have not been on my Trikke, Black Birdie, for almost a month. I have been doing a lot of walking, so I'm still getting exercise, or so I tell my stomach and thighs.

I don't know why, but I just don't have the energy. And energy is not like money in the bank. If you save it, it doesn't accrue.

 All I have to do is get on Birdie and it comes back. "...Ahh, yes. This is what it's all about," floods through me. The swish, swish of the tires calm yet invigorate.

My account accrues.