Today I saw a woman pushing a cart full of bags. Her face was sunburned and lined. Her eyes were bloodshot and teary. Her nose was bright red. She had to be about 53 but she looked 68.I realized she looks how I feel inside when I am on my down cycle. As I stated before bipolar II is sneaky just like the fog. It is a fog that creeps not only into my heart, but into my muscles as well.
Just when I was walking daily, it crippled me into submission. I just tripped. One day on the couch turns into five. My body just aches and there is no reason. I feel sickly. I sleep all day and am awake all night. I usually see both the sun rise and set during the same day.
Calls from friends go unanswered. I start contemplating the meaning of life. Again. I chain smoke cigarettes and I hate each one progressively more than the last. Why...Do...I...Do...This???
And the sugar I eat! Cookies, brownies, cakes, candy, candy, candy. I am diabetic, but I don't think about that while I'm eating.
"Just get out there, Jeri"
coach shouts. "Just do it!"
And I know, now I know, that all I have to do is to pull myself off the couch and take a walk. I don't even care if it's just a block that I walk. "Just get out there," coach Jeri shouts. "Just do it." And so I do. Finally, grudgingly.
I haven't walked for about 8 days now, but I am walking quickly. I am still strong. My pace becomes powerful. I keep going. Each block under my heels makes me feel stronger. I can do this. I can still do 26 blocks without any trouble! My body is still there for me.
I feel like shit because I eat shit (figuratively). If my body is my machine, then I perform as well as the meals I miss, or the ones I over-indulge during. Don't get me wrong, I love feeling on top of the world. And that is how I feel when all pistons are firing correctly. And I'm eating greens, blues, reds and yellows.
So the cycle continues. I'm climbing back up, I'm feeling better, I'm making phone calls. This time I was down eight days. I find overall my good days do outnumber the bad. I guess life for me is like riding out a storm, once the rain stops and the wind slows, I get my bearings, I no longer walk against the wind, and that always lasts longer than the storms.
