Entangled in the Minutes

Time is such a relative thing. Hours go by in a snap, moments take miles. It all depends on where one's head is.

My last three months have been like watching an hourglass fill. Months previous slipped away like unencumbered sand. Time is a thing that cannot be held in a grasp.

When you're entangled in the minutes, life happens. Grab what you can and don't let go. The golden moments elude us the most in remembrance.

I'm the One Who Changed

This Dream

Why can't I just wake up from this dream, back in time, back into my twenties. I would do so many things differently.

I would never have stopped having sex. I would never have stopped working. I would not have let go of old friends so easily. I would have loved harder, laughed longer, lived more wisely.

I would have saved money, even a dollar a week. I would have flossed every day. I would have married, maybe had a kid, a family. I would have started something and stuck with it.

I wouldn't have spent my college years high on pot, 24/7. I wouldn't have been drunk every evening. I wouldn't have slept with every man who said I was beautiful.

All I can do about the past is remember it differently. That's the only spin I can put on it. Today is the day I can be effective.

And so I awake...into today.

How Long Does "Good-Bye" Take?

It's been two months since I "broke-up" with my best friend. I just couldn't do anything right anymore. Except walk his dog, (although he may have had some suggestions on that front as well).

I thought I'd be friends with that guy for the rest of my life. And I was happy about it.

We would take his dog Boomer to the beach and end up talking and talking while Boomer chased the ball.

We would carve on our Trikkes together and he would wait for me. His fitness level increased so that it was too slow for him to hang back with me. He was like that, sort of ahead of me in everything.

When we started the Trikke magazine it was his vision that glued the details together, although the mag was my idea. It was his writing skills that made it a success, his designs, his content, his photos, his experience as a high school newspaper editor.

There isn't much room for teamwork with a perfectionist as they are the only ones who can do it right. And so things fell apart.

I wasn't the writer he thought, from reading this blog. Articles I turned in were always a "good first draft." My photos were never clear enough, my designs were not hip. I was negative, dark, too self deprecating. I didn't work hard enough, long enough.

When I excelled in marketing he pulled me from the project, saying my focus should be with the mag. I stalled.

After about a year of scrutiny under a very watchful eye and sharp tongue, I broke. I left the magazine, I left a future and I left my best friend. I did it for me.

Of course it doesn't feel good. I know it should. Maybe on my deathbed I'll feel victorious. Right now I feel like a huge loser. Where is the victory in that?

How long before I can forget and move on? How long before I can say good-bye for good?

How long does good-bye take?

Message of Gratitude

Just Because I can...

 

Thanks, Sonya Tayeh!

Happy Day!

Not At My Best

Yesterday I T-boned a little kid on the beach bike path. He wasn't more than 6-8 years old. I really scared him more than anything, no scrapes or cuts. And it happened while I was braking, but I wasn't stopped yet. I guess I'm trying to make this sound better than it is.

I think something happens to us when our blood is pumping fast, as in when carving. I know I have talked to a friend about how aggressive we become on the bike paths while jocky-ing for space.

That kid had been doing slow circles in the middle of the bike bath, both lanes. When I came upon him he started racing me in the pedestrian lane. He then waited and waited and waited and then turned right in front of me -- I couldn't stop. I was going too fast in my left curve of the carve. You see, I couldn't swerve right.

At that point a slew of brown words came shooting out of my mouth. I saw his red bike in the white sand. He was running back to his parent who was no where to be seen. I think he decided he was too far from mom and turned back. Who knows.

I didn't want to deal with an angry parent so I rode on. The kid was okay, it really was a slow hit, and he fell in the soft sand. I didn't even fall off the Trikke.

I was caught not at my best by only one witness, a kind bike guy who stopped to make sure everyone was okay. There was a very peaceful look on his face, I felt better for seeing him there. And yet I continued my salty tirade about that kid aiming for me for quite a distance. His look said take a breath, and I did. Then I smiled and rode on.

My blood was pumping fast as I was angry and just missed falling off the Trikke again. It was very hot. I felt like I was going to barf. My heart was all spent by the time I got to the pier, which was the half-way point.

I didn't want to go back the way I had come for two reasons: the wind was strong and the kid with his angry mother.

I am not proud of myself today. I was my father in that moment. I may have scarred a kid for life.

Afterthought -- I wasn't completely like my father, he'd have chased me down and beat me.

Resolution for 2011 -- set goals!

My new year's resolutions will have nothing to do with being a better person or to stop smoking -- after all, I already quit smoking last year, which made me a better person. My resolutions will be much more specific than that. So is that a goal then?

I could resolve to eat better, but my goal is to lose weight. Or, I could resolve to get outside more, but my goal of trikking often would get that done. And when I  trikke, I really am enjoying the great outdoors to the fullest.

So, which do I do? Announce my resolutions, or set my goals?

Goals are more than resolutions. Goals are something we plan out and tackle one little bit at a time. The plan is charted out and the road is mapped. Goals are something we look at daily, and check off each step along the way.

Resolutions are much broader and are a very public thing. We boast about them during the holidays. And resolutions give us reason to splurge until January one. "I'll eat now and make a resolution at the beginning of the year."

Goals are much more private. Plus, we don't boast about setting a goal, we only boast when achieving that goal. So goals are more personal than resolutions.

And we all know that resolutions last only as long as the crowds in the gym.

Inspiration by Nosferatu

Halloween Tribute

This is a first draft of a brochure I worked on for a group Halloween Trikke ride. It was not needed and yet I liked it so much I had to publish it somewhere. The small logos are not mine, just the shadowy design. Creepy, isn't it?