Time I Have
I've realized many things while on disability. One such thing - it seems one has time or money.

When I first left the world of work all I wanted was time. Time to read. Time to sleep in. Whatever.

Now I want to go out to dinner. I want to see movies. I want nice clothes. I want a savings account.

In life there are choices. And time I have.

Entangled in the Minutes

Time is such a relative thing. Hours go by in a snap, moments take miles. It all depends on where one's head is.

My last three months have been like watching an hourglass fill. Months previous slipped away like unencumbered sand. Time is a thing that cannot be held in a grasp.

When you're entangled in the minutes, life happens. Grab what you can and don't let go. The golden moments elude us the most in remembrance.

I'm the One Who Changed

This Dream

Why can't I just wake up from this dream, back in time, back into my twenties. I would do so many things differently.

I would never have stopped having sex. I would never have stopped working. I would not have let go of old friends so easily. I would have loved harder, laughed longer, lived more wisely.

I would have saved money, even a dollar a week. I would have flossed every day. I would have married, maybe had a kid, a family. I would have started something and stuck with it.

I wouldn't have spent my college years high on pot, 24/7. I wouldn't have been drunk every evening. I wouldn't have slept with every man who said I was beautiful.

All I can do about the past is remember it differently. That's the only spin I can put on it. Today is the day I can be effective.

And so I awake...into today.

Pictures of Me

I like this photo. I know there are spots all over it, but I still think it's a good photo of me.

I don't have many photos of me through my ages. Recently there are volumes, but that wasn't always true.

I would experience new things without a camera. I would go on vacations without a camera.

I would have much rather had photos of me at 21 or 35 or even 42, and maybe one or two exist, but for the most part nothing. As a child there were many but I want to see myself in my glory days, my 20-30s.

Sometimes I feel like an old hag, fat and gross. I want to remember that I was young and beautiful. I wasted that beauty on brownies and pie and of course time.

Although the years are still gone... I am reclaiming that beauty.

Yesterday

Not on her Trikke

I am going to admit a deep shame. I have not been on my Trikke, Black Birdie, for almost a month. I have been doing a lot of walking, so I'm still getting exercise, or so I tell my stomach and thighs.

I don't know why, but I just don't have the energy. And energy is not like money in the bank. If you save it, it doesn't accrue.

 All I have to do is get on Birdie and it comes back. "...Ahh, yes. This is what it's all about," floods through me. The swish, swish of the tires calm yet invigorate.

My account accrues.

How Long Does "Good-Bye" Take?

It's been two months since I "broke-up" with my best friend. I just couldn't do anything right anymore. Except walk his dog, (although he may have had some suggestions on that front as well).

I thought I'd be friends with that guy for the rest of my life. And I was happy about it.

We would take his dog Boomer to the beach and end up talking and talking while Boomer chased the ball.

We would carve on our Trikkes together and he would wait for me. His fitness level increased so that it was too slow for him to hang back with me. He was like that, sort of ahead of me in everything.

When we started the Trikke magazine it was his vision that glued the details together, although the mag was my idea. It was his writing skills that made it a success, his designs, his content, his photos, his experience as a high school newspaper editor.

There isn't much room for teamwork with a perfectionist as they are the only ones who can do it right. And so things fell apart.

I wasn't the writer he thought, from reading this blog. Articles I turned in were always a "good first draft." My photos were never clear enough, my designs were not hip. I was negative, dark, too self deprecating. I didn't work hard enough, long enough.

When I excelled in marketing he pulled me from the project, saying my focus should be with the mag. I stalled.

After about a year of scrutiny under a very watchful eye and sharp tongue, I broke. I left the magazine, I left a future and I left my best friend. I did it for me.

Of course it doesn't feel good. I know it should. Maybe on my deathbed I'll feel victorious. Right now I feel like a huge loser. Where is the victory in that?

How long before I can forget and move on? How long before I can say good-bye for good?

How long does good-bye take?

Workin' for the CBC!

In another life I volunteered to do some work for the California Bicycle Coalition, at a fundraiser for the Bikestation, way back in June of this year. And now it is time to step up.

I will be authoring their annual fundraiser, for lack of better word choices. Or, I will be putting together their online auction to run with their annual bike summit next month in Los Angeles.

This project has come just in time to save me from myself and an everlasting ennui stemming from too much time on my hands. I can only knock myself out on my Trikke so many times a week. And that I do.

The CBC is an advocacy group for bicyclists, by bicyclists, that helps educate and inform about bike safety issues facing bikers. They interface with CalTrans, write legislation and communicate with lawmakers in California, as well. Among other things... they were proponents of the 3-foot law in which cars must allow at least three feet in passing a bike on the street.

As a Trikker, I can ride in their wake. I use the same streets, abide by the same laws. We are a good team we Trikkers and bikers. Eventually everyone will agree.

Saying Good-Bye

I never thought I'd use that pic to say good-bye with, but I have officially left the Trikke world behind. I have closed my facebook account and said the good-byes that I needed to say. So it is now over.

It was a good world to be a part of for a while, but I guess I'm not a joiner or a group person. Never have been. I tried for a while, but it just didn't fit. 

So I'm where I was a year ago. All I lost was some time and my best friend who I guess really wasn't. Good-bye Trikke world and all its inhabitants. 

Why does that sound like "good-bye cruel world?" to me?  It isn't...