I'm tired of hating myself

To Things I No Longer Eat

You are what you eat

I miss the creamy slide down my throat
sweetness lingering on my tongue
slip-slide on my lips

The crunchy crispness
of a chip, the salty swing of onion rings

Nuts and nougat I no longer eat
How I love salty, greasy and sweet

Ding Dongs, Twinkies and Zingers hear this-
While I will occasionally visit
I no longer live here.

My Boobs Are Grounded

that's where the weight loss is.
Always been ample in that area
now my sacks are being depleted.
the air is escaping
they're going flat.


Once proud balloons aloft
the gravity of life and years
cause and effect
influence their float and sputter.


Earthbound and useless
flights aloft
have become rare.
Kept mostly in the hangar
they are grounded.

CBC

Stand Up and Soar

A Poem to Black Birdie
Skiing, skating, floating
in air, wind in hair, surfing anywhere.
what makes it go?
it's all me baby, all me.

the glide back and forth
under my feet
the swish swish of the tires
a tribal swing
a metronome in motion, a waltz with the wind.

It's like asking - why fly like a bird-
don't we all want to stand up and soar?

Time I Have
I've realized many things while on disability. One such thing - it seems one has time or money.

When I first left the world of work all I wanted was time. Time to read. Time to sleep in. Whatever.

Now I want to go out to dinner. I want to see movies. I want nice clothes. I want a savings account.

In life there are choices. And time I have.

Entangled in the Minutes

Time is such a relative thing. Hours go by in a snap, moments take miles. It all depends on where one's head is.

My last three months have been like watching an hourglass fill. Months previous slipped away like unencumbered sand. Time is a thing that cannot be held in a grasp.

When you're entangled in the minutes, life happens. Grab what you can and don't let go. The golden moments elude us the most in remembrance.

I'm the One Who Changed

This Dream

Why can't I just wake up from this dream, back in time, back into my twenties. I would do so many things differently.

I would never have stopped having sex. I would never have stopped working. I would not have let go of old friends so easily. I would have loved harder, laughed longer, lived more wisely.

I would have saved money, even a dollar a week. I would have flossed every day. I would have married, maybe had a kid, a family. I would have started something and stuck with it.

I wouldn't have spent my college years high on pot, 24/7. I wouldn't have been drunk every evening. I wouldn't have slept with every man who said I was beautiful.

All I can do about the past is remember it differently. That's the only spin I can put on it. Today is the day I can be effective.

And so I awake...into today.

Pictures of Me

I like this photo. I know there are spots all over it, but I still think it's a good photo of me.

I don't have many photos of me through my ages. Recently there are volumes, but that wasn't always true.

I would experience new things without a camera. I would go on vacations without a camera.

I would have much rather had photos of me at 21 or 35 or even 42, and maybe one or two exist, but for the most part nothing. As a child there were many but I want to see myself in my glory days, my 20-30s.

Sometimes I feel like an old hag, fat and gross. I want to remember that I was young and beautiful. I wasted that beauty on brownies and pie and of course time.

Although the years are still gone... I am reclaiming that beauty.