Once again a layover

I had a layover in reality recently. The realities of bipolar-II. I was very depressed for a few weeks, all I wanted to do was sleep, and that I did. For weeks, I stayed up until 5 am, then slept all day. I was not interested in getting on the computer, blogging, journaling or ebay shopping. My friend finally said he was tired of trying to pull me up. He is a good friend, he was not being cruel.

At the time it felt like cruelty because I wasn't ready to resume life. It really scared me, thinking he would leave me behind in the new millennium. But he said the magic words "you are acting like a victim" and it all seemed clear. Was I depressed or feeling sorry for myself, and is there a difference to the outside world?
There is no one who understands depression like those who suffer from it. It always looks like I'm feeling sorry for myself, when I just don't care, I'm not interested, or I'm just so sad I don't want to be poked.
I know everybody gets depressed, but having straight up depression is a beast amongst itself. To all of you who have a friend or relative who suffers from clinical depression, please remember we are not just acting like victims, we can't just snap out of it, and it looks ugly and without strength. It just hurts.
When I'm in depressed mode I feel physically sick as well. Not flu sick, just a brown cloud that hangs about eye level. I can't see through it, around it or under it. I forget there is anything else. I remember feeling well and don't know how to get back, or if I ever will get back. It's dark there. The sentence is not qualified in time. And I've been there for a year at a time. The meds that are my lifeline sometimes stop being effective. It took me 10 years to get the right diagnosis and medication. That fear will never go away. Being back there, I don't know how you spend the time in that jail cell.
This brings me to another point. I want my blog to reflect truth and reality for my disability. Up to this point I have tried to be funny and cute, but I'm making it real from now on. Maybe it will look funny, like I'm bitching or like I'm living a sloppy life. Life is gritty, and I want to capture that. That is my goal.

Photo by Randy Boyd

Hello again

Well I am not taking this blog very seriously, it's been weeks since the last post. It has been a whirlwind of stimulus money and ebay packages. My head is still swimming from all the stuff my stimulus money bought for me. Thank you Mr. President!
It's the simple things in life, a couple hundred dollars, ebay and a postal person. What they add up to is magical. It's so sad that it is over. I've stimulated the economy like a good American. Now it's back to strangling pennies.
Money is a strange thing. It is paper that represents so much energy, sweat and tears. It offers comfort and joy. The lack of this energy brings hopelessness and poverty, hunger and fear. Wow, just a simple piece of paper.
But, it's not the paper I want, it's the energy that it brings with it. This intangible is spiritual in nature, isn't it? Can there be a way to subvert this energy, to twist it's flow towards me? If I figure it out I'll let you know -- for a small fee!

Wow it's been a month

I have not posted in a month and all I can say is that I have been sick, tired and sleeping crazy hours. I will fall asleep watching a movie in the afternoon and then not wake up until early evening. I think maybe I'm just tired, but I haven't been exercising as much, so what have I got to be tired about? Oh yeah, I'm old.

I'm Old

The other day I was watching a movie and was shocked at the volume my TV was set at. It was the beginning of the movie when the music is swirling to its crescendo and I was rushing to the volume control.
I remembered every parent, aunt and grandparent who took me to a movie as a child, complained about the volume in the theatre. Every concert that I went to with an older person, there was a complaint about the music being too loud. As a teen, I was always told to "turn the music down".
And now, here I am, complaining about the volume being too loud. It was then that I realized, if I complain about the volume at a movie theatre or in my home -- I might be OLD.

Abundance, prosperity and perspective

The other day I was devastated because I bounced a check. It would cost me $33 for a stupid mistake. I was waiting for a refund to be credited and didn't expect it to take 10 days to get to my account. Then I hit a wrong button on ebay and whoops, I'm overdrawn! But I guess that's why checks bounce, because of stupid mistakes.
All I could think about was that stupid $33, and is it worth a day to be miserable, for $33? No it is not.
It is then that I shifted my perspective. I started looking at all that I get for free, (my health care, my monthly SSDI check) all that is available for free (the beach, the pets, the sunshine). And I am bitching about $33!!
It's like being present at a feast and only focusing on a strawberry that was a bit soft. Or, like listening to the rain outside and getting cranky that the heater is too loud to hear better. It's like being a little brat because I didn't get more when I am already getting more that a lot of folks.
I think this was an "ah-ha" moment.
Later that day, the refund hit my account, that check that bounced will not bounce again, and Yes, I will be more careful in the future to not play "jeopardy" with any of my bank accounts again.
And so it is...

Why I haven't written

I have a friend who has AIDS. He is like a brother to me, he's one of my best friends. Last week he had the flu. He was afraid he would die, which was in the realm of possibility. His temp for a week was over 100 degrees. And all I could do is walk his dog, Boomer. It is one of those things that pet lovers with AIDS must have, a friend to take care of the dog while they're busy trying not to die.
It truly was a helpless situation, but I helped, I walked the dog. I also let him cry. I didn't offer platitudes about how fine he would be next week, or offer this as a learning experience. I was just there.
I was concerned last week for my friend, yet the reality of this situation did not hit me until yesterday when he was able to take the dog walking chores back. He could have died. This strong gay man, with legs like iron, with muscle-ly arms and flat stomach. Maybe that is why he didn't die, this time.
The "AIDS monster" as he calls it, reared its ugly head and was defeated this time. Maybe we should demote AIDS to non-capitalization status, such as "aids", although it is still a BIG monster. But today, the monster has been slain! Here's to you, LIFE!

"I use to be..."

I have recently noticed my senior friends repeating these words over and over again, "I use to be..." followed by one of these identifiers; a lawyer's assistant, a swinging single or beautiful.
I showed Sharon (the swinger) a photograph of me at my 30th birthday party. It's my favorite photo of myself, one which I have pasted in the back of my mind as to how I still look today.
Yes, I am the one who use to be beautiful. Back then I thought of beauty as an accessory I wore on occasions like work or a date. It was something I didn't give much value to, because I had it, and because I valued intellect more.
Well, today I value beauty more, maybe because I have the intellect. Is this another instance of the grass being always greener over there?
Oh, and by the way, Sharon has a photo where she looked really beautiful too.

I love eBay

I can hardly go onto eBay without purchasing something. I can get fresh vegetable bags, 14kt rings and water filters cheaper than WalMart. Everything I buy I check out eBay first. Snuff bottles from china, art deco rings from England or a candy thermometer. And most of these things are under $5.
The next part is more fun. The purchases start arriving. One yesterday, another tomorrow, it's like presents falling from the sky, or from the USPS. I really like getting packages in the mail. I even forget what I ordered and then WOW, another package.
I would be remiss if I didn't mention the shipping and handling charges. They can bring my 14kt gold ring from $.01 to $10 in an instant. But this like everything must be in balance. I still think that my 14kt gold ring is worth the $10 I bought it for.
Just be warned...

The other side of the expiration date.

I sometimes live on the other side of the expiration date. This means that sometimes food, and aspirin and vitamins have recently expired but I am still taking them because I cannot afford throwing them away yet. I even have cat food from an organization that helps supply me with food for my little pretty ones, that is expired. I would worry but they give this food to hundreds of clients and there are no problems.
Of course, I would never drink milk that is expired or any other "fresh" food source. But canned goods or maybe even frozen goods -- past expiration... canned veggies -- past expiration... canned fruit -- past expiration... unopened ketchup -- well, you get it...
I wouldn't suggest this for those of you who can afford to keep their cupboards up to date, but with this economy I think I will continue pushing past the expiration date for a few more months.

It is true that when you get older things get past your radar. I just got done fighting a charge from Acai berry supplement. I canceled the trial and they still charged me $78! That is almost 10% of my monthly income! I must say that I was freaked out (does this date me?). Well they were charging $78 a month to receive the supplements and they dropped it down to $18!!!! WOW, talk about what the market will bear!
I really had to get that off my mind. I am pleased with the $18 cost because I like the acai berry by capsule. Along with my ionized water and colon cleanse I am feeling more energetic, and lighter I might add.
Well today there is no moral I have learned, but I did learn something about bargaining!
I'm going off to the dispensary as soon as my account is credited, and I will be checking on that hourly!